There’s sex. There’s good sex. And there’s spectacularly good sex.
Which would you prefer with your partner?
If it’s the latter, here are ten golden sex rules to guarantee that’s what you’ll get.
Life’s short. Aim high!
LAUGH IT OFF
Sex is smelly, noisy, sweaty and unflattering.
If you’ve never done anything in bed that’s caused you the slightest bit of embarrassment, you win the award for The World’s Most Boring Lover.
The World’s Best has had semen in their eye, pubic hair up their nose, broken wind at the worst possible moment, looked down at their body and thought ‘Jesus! I really should have joined that gym’, tripped over because their knickers were around their ankles and felt stupendously ridiculous because they tried something new and it went horribly wrong.
Tracey shared her 10 golden rules for a lifetime of great sex with FEMAIL
Your attitude is spot on, if you thought, Who cares!, when any or all of the above happened.
You’re having sex, not performing live on You Tube (well, I assume you aren’t).
USE YOUR BRAIN
Wise up to all the myths.
If you really think about things, you’ll realise your best friend isn’t getting it more than you are, simultaneous orgasms are rarer than hen’s teeth, movie sex and porn aren’t even close to the real thing and (the clinchers) real men have erection problems and real women have problems reaching orgasm.
In fact, plenty of women wish their sexual organs not only came with an instruction manual but a lifetime warranty as well.
USE IT OR LOSE IT
Sex problems often aren’t sex problems at all, they’re time problems.
If you have to get in time management consultants to achieve this, do it: sort your life out so you’re making time for two sex sessions a week.
I don’t care if the grand total of time spent on these two sessions is 10 minutes, it’s just a very good idea to connect sexually twice a week, minimum, unless you’ve got a really good reason not to. (You’ve just had a child).
Ideally, you’ll do it three times.
If you really want to impress, it’d be nice if you spent at least 10 minutes on two of those sessions and set aside 30-45 minutes for the final one. That’s a commitment of just ONE HOUR each week. I’d say a lot of you are thinking, That’s nothing! She’s undercalling it! Before you get too smug, here are a few random statistics. A quarter of couples have sex once a week. A third have it twice. Only 15% have sex three times a week. Sixty one percent say a long session lasts 45 minutes. Five percent of people watch telly or their ipads while they’re having sex. This is why I’m not being too ambitious. Time yourself: most people don’t spend as much time having sex as they think. There are lots of reasons why you should have regular sex and one big pay off is this – more orgasms, less effort. The more you have sex, the quicker the chemical connection between brain cells because the impulses are travelling along a well-beaten path.
BUY A VIBRATOR
Nearly a third of all households in the UK reputedly own a vibrator. This makes them more common than cats. There are some very good reasons why every woman and every couple should use a vibrator. Number one: vibration is the most efficient way to stimulate the clitoris and most women orgasm this way. Lots of women only have orgasms using their vibrator. Second: couples who use a vibrator during sex dramatically increase her orgasm frequency. Two very good reasons to have one handy in the bedside drawer (and there are more).
GO FOR CHEMISTRY
Think about the best goddamn sex you’ve ever had. Was it with the person you’ve loved the most or the person you most lusted after? I’d bet my apartment it was the latter.
It’s impossible to have take-my-house-car-children-cash-everything-just-give-them-to-me sex without one vital ingredient: chemistry.While you do need all the technical stuff to keep it going long-term, finding your sexual soul mate makes the whole thing so much easier because if you’ve got colossal chemistry, everything else seems to click into place.
SEPARATE SEX FROM LOVE
Great sex and true love don’t go together like bacon and eggs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m with you: falling in love is one of life’s most wonderful experiences. When it’s reciprocated, it’s like travelling on one big, fluffy white cloud: light, dreamy and full of joy. When it’s not, it’s like being caught in the centre of a vicious storm: you’re battered, bruised and bashed about. Smart people figure this one out early on: just because your bits fit, doesn’t mean your hearts will too. Just because the sex is out of this world, it doesn’t mean this is the love of your life.
Practice safe sex in all senses: don’t wear your heart on your sleeve to the point where you are hopelessly vulnerable. Refuse to be treated badly. Choose partners who are confident people, happy in their own skins: the better they feel about themselves, the better they’ll treat you.
There’s a problem with having a bit on the side – even though I totally see why you’re tempted.
No-one can deny our libidos are revived – rather spectacularly – by a new playmate and this is heightened further by having an affair.
Sex feels great the first few times because of the newness and the ‘taboo’ infidelity buzz.
But once you’re used to the new body, the buzz fades.
Even more of a passion killer if you leave and you’re allowed to be with this person (the kiss of death for practically all affairs).
Unless you intend to spend the rest of your life skipping onto pastures new, this is why working on making sex great with the same person is a much better idea.
Having affairs to keep your sex life perky rarely works out.
Besides, it’s exhausting.
SAY NO WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY
It’s okay NOT to have – or even want – sex all the time. Forget all that social media boasting: everyone’s libido waxes and wanes, affected by hormones and stress levels, career demands, children and health. If the only thing you want to do in bed right now is sleep, fine. Most partners would prefer you said ‘no’ than perform on demand begrudgingly.
There’s another reason why saying no occasionally could be a good idea: your sex life might actually be more exciting because of it. The odd refusal adds unpredictability: the minute sex becomes a foregone conclusion, you remove the thrill and chase from the relationship. How to say thanks but no thanks without offending? Instead of ‘I really can’t think of anything I’d less like to do’, try ‘Let’s wait until the weekend so we don’t have to rush and can really enjoy it’.
MASTER THE CONDOM
What good is it when you’re a committed couple? Well, you might want to use them for contraception rather than just germ-catchers – and they’re rather handy if you’ve got thrush or cystitis and don’t want to play the let’s-pass-it-back-and-forth game. For singles, they’re a necessary evil but much less intrusive if you make them part of foreplay. Don’t always leave it up to him to do the deed: your fingers unrolling it down the shaft (after squeezing air out of the tip first) is far more exciting.